Category Archives: Humor

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An easy list for everyone

Yes it’s that time of year again. St. Patrick’s Day is upon us and here on the U.S. side of the puddle, it can quickly become a trash fire of epic proportions. This year I’ve decided to improve the easy list I started a few years ago so that we can hand it out to our shamrocked, leprechaun hat wearing, fake Irish-dancing friends in order to keep them (and us) from acting the fool. Here’s five simple DON’Ts and one DO that will make the Wearing of the Green safer and more palatable for everyone, no matter where you live or where you’re from.

1. Don’t pinch people. It’s rather hard to believe in the age of the #MeToo and #TimesUp campaigns that anyone still has to be told that aggressively grabbing, touching, or pinching strangers is wrong. However, just in case you thought that rule didn’t apply on St. Patrick’s Day let me remind you that it is still wrong to pinch (or touch) any part of anyone for any reason without their permission. It will always be wrong to to touch or pinch people in any way without their consent and many people will be too intoxicated to give consent anyway, so keep your little pinchy urges and tiny crab claw fingers to yourself and just say no. Everyone, male or female, with thank you for it.

2.  DO. NOT. ORDER. AN. IRISH. CAR. BOMB. Seriously folks, I don’t know how many times I have to say this to people. Nothing personifies ignorance, caricature, and casual cruelty better than walking into an Irish pub and ordering up an Irish Car Bomb. You wouldn’t walk into a NYC bar and order a 9/11 would you?! Then don’t order a fuc%ing carbomb, for the same reason.

This horrifically named cocktail is American-made and designed to get you very drunk very quickly. It is highly effective but it’s also named after a weapon that has been used to kill and maim literally THOUSANDS of people in the country it’s named after. No one who grew up in Ireland (or knows its history and/or has a deep love for it) can tolerate the obnoxious name for this drink and for many Irish people, it brings up trauma and terrible memories. It is not funny, not appropriate, and not cool for you or your friends to sell or order any drink by that name. It may get you kicked out of your favorite Irish pub and it could (and should) get you kicked in the face.

That being said, Irish Whiskey, Irish Cream, and Guinness are all very tasty treats. You can order and pay for a glass of each, mix the ingredients yourself, and try a delightful, super-intoxicating elixir. If you work at a bar, you could make up a new drink special just by calling it something else (it’s also been referred to as the ‘Holy Trinity’ and ‘the Ulster Flip’) or you can just refuse to serve it at all and many Irish people and Irish history fans would thank you for it.

3. Don’t misspell the name of the day. If you’re hunting for Irish-themed decor or clothing, choosing a hashtag, or you have some other reason to shorten the name of this holiday, please remember that the correct shortened spelling is P-A-D-D-Y. It’s not St. Patty’s. There are no Ts in the Irish spelling of Padraig, nor any Ts in the abbreviated and shortened version of it. Just remember what a very good friend of mine once said, (very loudly and proudly I might add) – “I always remember to stick with the Double Ds”.  We were actually talking about his taste in women at the time, but the same rule applies here just as well. Which brings us to another important thing to consider.

4. Don’t buy into stereotyping or bigotry.  If you want to celebrate St. Paddy’s Day good on you but you don’t have to propagate the stereotypes to do it. Pass on anything that conveys the message that Irish people are drunks, fighters, leprechauns, or idiots. Find something that celebrates Ireland’s rich culture instead of something that mocks it. The Irish have fought against these stereotypes for years and buying a T-Shirt that propagates them may seem harmless but it isn’t. The only way companies will ever offer a wider, more celebratory variety of St. Paddy’s Day swag is if their customers quit buying awful, bigoted costumes. Pass on the ‘Kiss me I’m Irish’ stuff too unless you are actively consenting to anyone doing just that. (See #1)

Don’t insult Ireland’s culture while you claim to be celebrating it.

One more thing along this line – when you’re using your outside voice, please realize that no one says “Top o’ the morning” or “Give me my lucky charms” ever and that fake accents of any kind are obnoxious whether you’re drinking or not. Just keep that lilt in check.

5. Know your history. In Ireland, Saint Patrick (Padraig) is celebrated for “driving the snakes out of Ireland” which is a metaphor for bringing Christianity to the island and systematically erasing its pagan roots. Thankfully that is not what most people are celebrating these days and many of the bigger parades and parties are more secular in nature. The Catholic influence is also why the color code of the day is green, which is traditionally associated with that faith in Ireland. You shouldn’t have to wear it on St. Patrick’s Day if you’re not a Catholic but you try to explain that to a million and one drunken Grabby McPinchersons! It’s exhausting and just easier to wear green. (See #1.)

I’m all for transforming the holiday from a religious one to a party and cultural celebration but I’m also a firm believer in the whole live and let live thing. Feel free to preach about the wonders of St. Patrick, go to mass, and have a quiet night in if that’s what you wish – or party until dawn howling at the moon if that’s your thing. However, NEVER insist on telling others (ESPECIALLY if they’re Irish) how to celebrate their own holiday. That makes you the asshole, not them.

And there you have it. Five things you shouldn’t do this year or any other for that matter. As for the one DO – DO WASH YOUR HANDS A LOT AND STAY HOME IF YOU ARE SICK. If you’re  happy and healthy have fun, get wasted, dye your hair green, take the green Mardi Gras beads out of the closet, go to mass, wear a shamrock or a lily, sing some rebel songs or do whatever else you were planning to do – just try not to be a complete asshole when you’re doing it. Be sure to think ahead and plan a way home so you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else. Have a blast and remember one simple thing – treating other people and other cultures better every single day makes the world a better place. Start today.

See you out there in the trenches.

Sláinte.

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Top 5 ways to not be a jerk on St. Paddy’s Day

Yes it’s that time of year again. St. Patrick’s Day is upon us and here on the U.S. side of the puddle, it can quickly become a trash fire of epic proportions. This year I’ve decided to improve the easy list I started a few years ago so that we can hand it out to our beer hat-wearing, cheap leprechaun-looking, fake Irish-dancing friends in order to keep them (and us) from acting the fool. Here’s five simple DON’Ts that will make the Wearing of the Green safer and more palatable for everyone, no matter where you live or where you’re from. So in case you missed it the first time around – here we go!

1. Don’t pinch people. It’s rather hard to believe in the age of the #MeToo and #TimesUp campaigns that anyone still has to be told that aggressively grabbing, touching, or pinching strangers is wrong. However, just in case you thought that rule didn’t apply on St. Patrick’s Day let me remind you that it is still wrong to pinch any part of anyone for any reason without their permission. It will always be wrong to to touch or pinch people in any way without their consent, so keep your little pinchy urges and tiny crab claw fingers to yourself and just say no. Everyone, male or female, with thank you for it.

2.  DO. NOT. ORDER. AN. IRISH. CAR. BOMB. Seriously folks, I don’t know how many times I have to say this to people. Nothing personifies ignorance, caricature, and casual cruelty better than walking into an Irish pub and ordering up an Irish Car Bomb. This horrifically named cocktail is American-made and designed to get you very drunk very quickly. It is highly effective but it’s also named after a weapon that has been used to kill and maim literally THOUSANDS of people in the country it’s named after. No one who grew up in Ireland (or knows its history and/or has a deep love for it) can tolerate the obnoxious name for this drink and for many Irish people, it brings up trauma and terrible memories. It is not funny, not appropriate, and not cool for you or your friends to sell or order any drink by that name, and it could get you kicked out of your favorite Irish pub or it could just get you kicked in the face.

That being said, Irish Whiskey, Irish Cream, and Guinness are all very tasty treats. You can order and pay for a glass of each, mix the ingredients yourself, and try a delightful, super-intoxicating elixir. You could make up a new drink special just by calling it something else (it’s also been referred to as the ‘Holy Trinity’ and ‘the Ulster Flip’) or you can just refuse to serve or drink it at all and many Irish people and Irish history fans would thank you for it. You have to be on quite a mission already to give it a whirl but that doesn’t mean you have to be an ignorant douche when you order it at the bar.

3. Don’t misspell the name of the day. If you’re hunting for Irish-themed decor or clothing, choosing a hashtag, or you have some other reason to shorten the name of this holiday, please remember that the correct spelling is P-A-D-D-Y. It’s not St. Patty’s. There are no Ts in the Irish spelling of Padraig, nor any Ts in the abbreviated and shortened version of it. A good friend of mine once said “I always remember to stick with the Double Ds.” We were talking about his taste in women at that time, but the rule applies here just as well. Which brings us to another important rule.

4. Don’t buy into stereotyping or bigotry. If you want to celebrate St. Paddy’s Day good on you but you don’t have to propagate the stereotypes to do it. Pass on anything that conveys the message that Irish people are drunks, fighters, leprechauns, or idiots. Find something that celebrates Ireland’s rich culture instead of something that mocks it. The Irish have fought against these stereotypes for years and buying a T-Shirt that propagates them may seem harmless but it isn’t. The only way companies will ever offer a wider, more celebratory variety of St. Paddy’s Day swag is if their customers quit buying awful, bigoted costumes. Pass on the ‘Kiss me I’m Irish’ stuff too unless you are actively consenting to anyone doing just that. (See #1)

Don’t insult Ireland’s culture while you claim to be celebrating it.

One more thing along this line – when you’re using your outside voice, please realize that no one says “Top o’ the morning” or “Give me my lucky charms” ever and that fake accents of any kind are obnoxious, whether you’re drinking or not. Just keep that lilt in check.

5. Know your history. In Ireland, Saint Patrick (Padraig) is celebrated for “driving the snakes out of Ireland” which is a metaphor for bringing Christianity to the island and systematically erasing its pagan roots. This is a Catholic holiday and how we celebrate it is decidedly NOT. Incidentally, this is also why the color code of the day is green, which is traditionally associated with the Catholic faith in Ireland. You shouldn’t have to wear it on St. Patrick’s Day if you’re not a Catholic but trying to explain that to a million and one drunken Grabby McPinchersons in the room, can be exhausting. (See #1.)

Now I am all for transforming the holiday from a religious one to a party and cultural celebration. I’ve no love for the Catholic religion. I personally support the ‘Bring the Snakes Back’ movement but stepping all over anyone’s culture is always messed up and should be avoided whenever possible. It’s easy to ignore the religious origin of St. Patrick’s Day when terrible T-shirts, sparkly shamrocks, green beer, and offensively named drinks are the norm but it is still a quiet, religious day for many. After all, St. Patrick’s Day is smack dab in the middle of Lent, which is a period of time when many Catholics give up things like alcohol and parties. There are plenty of traditional and religious folk in Ireland who rail against the parades and parties that have become decidedly more “Americanized” and secular in various parts of the country. Keep that tidbit particularly in mind if you ever decide to spend the holiday in rural Ireland. In the meantime, it’s always good to know where any holiday begins before celebrating (or reclaiming) it.

And there you have it. Five things you shouldn’t do this year or any other for that matter. Have fun, get wasted, dye your hair green, take the green Mardi-Gras beads out of the closet, go to mass, party all day and all night, sing some rebel songs or do whatever else you were planning to do – just try not to be a complete asshole when you’re doing it. Be sure to think ahead and plan a way home so you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else. Have a blast and remember one simple thing – treating other people and other cultures better every single day makes the world a better place.

Now then. Where’d I put my glittery green lipstick?

Sláinte.

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Lie Lie Lie

It still amazes me when people ask me why I like being in Ireland so much – and why I pretty much never go anywhere else. Aside from all my regular and well documented answers, here’s another one. It’s hard to maintain a sense of humor when you live under the cheeto-dusted tangerine and his psycho policies every day – so finding something like this that makes you belly-laugh is important.

Without further ado, coming to you live from Killarney….

 

Thanks for the laugh – and the new theme song!

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5 ways to be less of a jerk on Mar. 17th

Yes it’s that time of year again. St. Patrick’s Day is upon us and here on the U.S. side of the puddle, it can quickly become a train wreck. This year I’ve decided to make an easy list that we can all hand out to our beer hat wearing, cheap leprechaun-looking, fake Irish dancing friends in order to keep them (and us) from acting the fool. Here’s five simple DON’Ts that will make the Wearing of the Green safer and more palatable for everyone, no matter where you live.

Continue reading →

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Blooming

“Everything speaks in its own way” – James Joyce

You know, there have been a thousand posts in my brain for the last week or two. There have been arguments in my head about how to write sensitively and objectively about things that are too close to my heart and in many cases, multiple things have been thrown at various screens. There are so many political nightmares both here in the US and in the North of Ireland that as soon as I start on one, it becomes obsolete and the next gets worse and worse…. so I surrender. It is my birthday weekend and instead of banging on the keyboard for another minute, I am heading into the sunshine with a well-worn copy of Ulysses, having a pint or two at my favorite local, and celebrating Bloomsday. I’m making silly Joyce-themed memes out of my photos and stepping away from the upcoming quagmires of doom. It’s time to clear my head for a minute and drop into frivolity for just one second…before parade season really starts and we see just how screwed everyone on both sides of the puddle is this summer.

So happy birthday to me and happy Bloomsday to you. Remember, “Every life is in many days, day after day. We walk through ourselves, meeting robbers, ghosts, giants, old men, young men, wives, widows, brothers-in-love, but always meeting ourselves.”

sheepish

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Irish Against Trump

This has been a banner week for the Trump campaign, if by banner you mean “holy crap, look at all the new levels of unimaginable disrespect and unbridled hate.” The guy insulted a Gold Star family because of their faith and then accepted a Purple Heart from another veteran with a flippant comment before sticking it in his pocket. He threw a baby out of his rally. A video of racist, horrible things that his supporters say and shout at his rallies was just released and rumor has it that his campaign staff is near suicidal. In my opinion, this implosion couldn’t happen to a better man. When the Irish and the Irish Americans started jumping into the fray, I jumped for joy and pretty much haven’t stopped laughing since.

Continue reading →

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Bernie vs. Thatcher

Well, you learn something new every day. Yesterday I attended a Bernie Sanders rally in Oakland, CA which was the very last place I thought I’d learn a new tidbit of Irish history but I was mistaken. One of the speakers had just returned from the North of Ireland. He butchered the pronunciation of Sinn Fein but he told the crowd that Bernie Sanders was one of the only politicians in the United States (and the world) who had taken the time to write an angry message directly to Margaret Thatcher in 1981.

Continue reading →

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St. Disbode

I usually stay away from religious holidays in general, but today is too good to pass up. Today is the feast day of St. Disbode – a 7th century Irish missionary. He was a bit of a hermit when he was not spreading his faith, but he traveled on a mission to Germany to convert the population. Legend has it that while in Germany, wine suddenly began flowing from his pilgrim’s staff and this convinced the Germans not necessarily to convert, but to create a thriving wine industry.

That’s a better reason than many for turning someone into a saint. Eat, drink, and be merry today – especially if you can find yourself some German wine…and if you’re a fan of Hildegard Von Bingen, throw some of her music in there too. She wrote a vita in his honor.

Cheers!!

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A little humor today

First, well done Ireland. You have done what no other country has been able to do and truly showed that all love is equal – by popular vote. Now I know some are still incredibly unhappy with that, but the majority of voters have truly given the rest of the world a little more hope.

Here in America, the “land of the free” (asshole quotes intended), we have no such track record. In fact, some states have written the exact opposite sentiments into their laws – which is utterly heartbreaking – and we give a lot of media attention to our worst, rather than our best. A good example of that is the Westboro Baptist Church, a truly horrifying organization that loves to grab the attention of the press. We eat up their hate-filled propaganda like it’s a bag of McDonald’s french fries which is equally disgusting. I try not to pay attention to them or anyone like them at all.

However, today the headline made me laugh out loud and giggle with glee, so as much as I don’t like to spread their filth, this was just too funny to pass up. The hateful group decided they were going to take up their signs and protest Ireland, due to the referendum results, but apparently no one decided to make sure they got the flags right before printing all of their detestable signs. So according to them, God hates Ireland, but their misprinted signs hate the Ivory Coast….because they got the flags mixed up.

They tried to save face when it was pointed out to them on Twitter, by saying “Well, now that you mention it, God hates the Ivory Coast too” (for some reason they’re sure to invent) but the joke’s on them this time. Their spectacular failure to spread their hatred accurately is worth the fifteen minutes of glee that it gives to the rest of us who believe that all love is equal and that the WBC should be dismantled.

So congratulations again Ireland – for saying no to hate, and for allowing the haters to make bigger fools of themselves than ever before. Well done!

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Introducing Whiskey Wednesdays….

Over on the Facebook site, Wednesdays are all about whisk(e)y. It began with this wonderful article and has taken on a life of its own.

Join me for a fun mix of facts, infusions, recipes, and history to celebrate the Water of Life in all its forms. Head over to Choosing the Green on Wednesdays for your digital cocktails and mouthwatering recipes….