Yes it’s that time of year again. St. Patrick’s Day is upon us and here on the U.S. side of the puddle, it can quickly become a trash fire of epic proportions. This year I’ve decided to improve the easy list I started a few years ago so that we can hand it out to our shamrocked, leprechaun hat wearing, fake Irish-dancing friends in order to keep them (and us) from acting the fool. Here’s five simple DON’Ts and one DO that will make the Wearing of the Green safer and more palatable for everyone, no matter where you live or where you’re from.

1. Don’t pinch people. It’s rather hard to believe in the age of the #MeToo and #TimesUp campaigns that anyone still has to be told that aggressively grabbing, touching, or pinching strangers is wrong. However, just in case you thought that rule didn’t apply on St. Patrick’s Day let me remind you that it is still wrong to pinch (or touch) any part of anyone for any reason without their permission. It will always be wrong to to touch or pinch people in any way without their consent and many people will be too intoxicated to give consent anyway, so keep your little pinchy urges and tiny crab claw fingers to yourself and just say no. Everyone, male or female, with thank you for it.

2.  DO. NOT. ORDER. AN. IRISH. CAR. BOMB. Seriously folks, I don’t know how many times I have to say this to people. Nothing personifies ignorance, caricature, and casual cruelty better than walking into an Irish pub and ordering up an Irish Car Bomb. You wouldn’t walk into a NYC bar and order a 9/11 would you?! Then don’t order a fuc%ing carbomb, for the same reason.

This horrifically named cocktail is American-made and designed to get you very drunk very quickly. It is highly effective but it’s also named after a weapon that has been used to kill and maim literally THOUSANDS of people in the country it’s named after. No one who grew up in Ireland (or knows its history and/or has a deep love for it) can tolerate the obnoxious name for this drink and for many Irish people, it brings up trauma and terrible memories. It is not funny, not appropriate, and not cool for you or your friends to sell or order any drink by that name. It may get you kicked out of your favorite Irish pub and it could (and should) get you kicked in the face.

That being said, Irish Whiskey, Irish Cream, and Guinness are all very tasty treats. You can order and pay for a glass of each, mix the ingredients yourself, and try a delightful, super-intoxicating elixir. If you work at a bar, you could make up a new drink special just by calling it something else (it’s also been referred to as the ‘Holy Trinity’ and ‘the Ulster Flip’) or you can just refuse to serve it at all and many Irish people and Irish history fans would thank you for it.

3. Don’t misspell the name of the day. If you’re hunting for Irish-themed decor or clothing, choosing a hashtag, or you have some other reason to shorten the name of this holiday, please remember that the correct shortened spelling is P-A-D-D-Y. It’s not St. Patty’s. There are no Ts in the Irish spelling of Padraig, nor any Ts in the abbreviated and shortened version of it. Just remember what a very good friend of mine once said, (very loudly and proudly I might add) – “I always remember to stick with the Double Ds”.  We were actually talking about his taste in women at the time, but the same rule applies here just as well. Which brings us to another important thing to consider.

4. Don’t buy into stereotyping or bigotry.  If you want to celebrate St. Paddy’s Day good on you but you don’t have to propagate the stereotypes to do it. Pass on anything that conveys the message that Irish people are drunks, fighters, leprechauns, or idiots. Find something that celebrates Ireland’s rich culture instead of something that mocks it. The Irish have fought against these stereotypes for years and buying a T-Shirt that propagates them may seem harmless but it isn’t. The only way companies will ever offer a wider, more celebratory variety of St. Paddy’s Day swag is if their customers quit buying awful, bigoted costumes. Pass on the ‘Kiss me I’m Irish’ stuff too unless you are actively consenting to anyone doing just that. (See #1)

Don’t insult Ireland’s culture while you claim to be celebrating it.

One more thing along this line – when you’re using your outside voice, please realize that no one says “Top o’ the morning” or “Give me my lucky charms” ever and that fake accents of any kind are obnoxious whether you’re drinking or not. Just keep that lilt in check.

5. Know your history. In Ireland, Saint Patrick (Padraig) is celebrated for “driving the snakes out of Ireland” which is a metaphor for bringing Christianity to the island and systematically erasing its pagan roots. Thankfully that is not what most people are celebrating these days and many of the bigger parades and parties are more secular in nature. The Catholic influence is also why the color code of the day is green, which is traditionally associated with that faith in Ireland. You shouldn’t have to wear it on St. Patrick’s Day if you’re not a Catholic but you try to explain that to a million and one drunken Grabby McPinchersons! It’s exhausting and just easier to wear green. (See #1.)

I’m all for transforming the holiday from a religious one to a party and cultural celebration but I’m also a firm believer in the whole live and let live thing. Feel free to preach about the wonders of St. Patrick, go to mass, and have a quiet night in if that’s what you wish – or party until dawn howling at the moon if that’s your thing. However, NEVER insist on telling others (ESPECIALLY if they’re Irish) how to celebrate their own holiday. That makes you the asshole, not them.

And there you have it. Five things you shouldn’t do this year or any other for that matter. As for the one DO – DO WASH YOUR HANDS A LOT AND STAY HOME IF YOU ARE SICK. If you’re  happy and healthy have fun, get wasted, dye your hair green, take the green Mardi Gras beads out of the closet, go to mass, wear a shamrock or a lily, sing some rebel songs or do whatever else you were planning to do – just try not to be a complete asshole when you’re doing it. Be sure to think ahead and plan a way home so you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else. Have a blast and remember one simple thing – treating other people and other cultures better every single day makes the world a better place. Start today.

See you out there in the trenches.

Sláinte.